puddle of blood
by c.z.w
Summary: Neji saves Kakashi from dying in his own puddle of blood. And from the pain in his heart.Even when he is the main cause to Kakashi's self hate.
1. Chapter 1

This is actually finished. However i am not sure if i can still tweek it just a bit. sister i appoligize for 'cat's baby' as you already know i lost all my files for that story. and seeing as you are my muse i cannot find it in me to 'piece' together a fitting plot. a lost cause i am. 'smiles' as for everyone else. please do enjoy a little sister's attempt to put a smile on her big sister that is so far away. 'but always so close to my heart. even when your yelling at me sister.' i am sure as she is reading this her legendary smile that screams 'i am very much capable of being evil' is in place.

sister, as you know i must disclaim. for i do not own. therefor everyone else please take note that i own not.

i really have no plot here etheir. just wanted to give my sweet sister a good read. speaking of which...

sister, i need for feed back here. my writing style frustrates me to no end. everyone else please do comment at my inability to create a 'scene' in truth that is what i am for. to write in a way that makes you feel like you can see it. for now though. just enjoy.

i will put up the rest after editing it and waiting for my lovely sister to comment. its rather short and my sad attempt to pull at someones 'sister...' heart strings.

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><p>A puddle of blood, how befitting for him to die in his own puddle of blood really. At the very least his mask was still in place he could feel the blood soaked fabric on his lips. But the pain of losing his team kept him from caring much. 3 nameless Anbu from the newly destroyed root, and yet his heart ached.<p>

They were learning about emotions, and yet it was their emotions are what got them killed though. Ironically as it was those same emotions that had him in his own puddle of blood as well. A bitter thought pass through his mind. What would be his last words? "Still lower then scum." Yes, that was befitting as well because the mission was complete but he couldn't save his team mates.

Darkness he welcomes refusing to take in the sight of his dead enemies, for it was they're hands that had taken such gentle souls from this world. His mismatched eyes flutter shut, not taking in the young man landing near him. No, the only thing he wished for was an end to this pain. He was a shinobi after all.

To kill and get killed, life would not be so kind as to send him any small piece of heaven to ease his pain filled heart. No, he had given up hope in that aspect. In all honesty living was becoming more of a burden to him. His friends had their own lives. His students no longer needed him. And now 3 more lives stained his hands. No one could possibly bother with him now.

A puddle of blood. Neji stared down at the man in Anbu uniform. His Anbu mask gone but that famous face mask was still in place. He already found three dead so to find one still holding on made him a little glad. Still, without his mask Neji couldn't take him to the hospital. And the young brunette hadn't a clue as to where the man lived. So to his apartment it was then.

It was in the Hyuga compound, in the branch member section. After deciding though he decided it would be the most logical place to go. He lifted the elder man and headed back to his home. He was originally heading back to the village after a mission only to find them on his way. Lifeless bodies littering the pathway. His report could wait for the morning.

Healing came naturally to a Hyuga. Their eyes gave them the ability to pinpoint the major wounds. And the Hokage insisted that each team have a medic, so he knew what to do and was very capable of doing it. He stripped the man but let the mask out of respect really. After healing the major wounds he wrapped the others. And washed the blood out of the man's silver hair, finally he took the man to his bed to rest. He tried to remove the blood from the mask but he could only do so much. If he had any clothing that would have fit the man he would have clothed him but he didn't so that was that. He laid a blanket over the man. He went to his couch and to sleep.

Though he couldn't fall asleep. Never had he seen the great Kakashi look so weak. It just didn't seem right to him. he always held respect for the man. The mere fact that Kakashi could stand his sensei was a miracle in itself. Neji glanced out his window looking at the stars. He smiled thinking that maybe for once the heavens would bless him with a chance to make someone feel better. Maybe Kakashi wouldn't mind him acting out on his own selfish reasons to feel needed.

The stars seemed to dance in the night sky, as if promising a more gentle fate for the young brunette.


	2. Chapter 2

i do not own.

hey sis! i just added a few stuff. Other still need to edit the rest. but alas i am being called away from my wonderful little laptop. so until later sister. please do enjoy. i only wrote like 6,000 words so it really is a short one. never the less enjoy sister of mine.

everyone else please do enjoy as well. I have a few other stories complete that only require a little polishing. i just havent a clue if they are ready just yet. my favorite so far though is 'healing your mind' and 'just a rose' sister i sent you 'healing your mind' so you know that one. its a harry potter fic though. 'just a rose' is for naruto. the pair was naruto and iruka. but its a bit too confusing even for me at the moment. blame my muse of a sister.

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><p>Being a shinobi always made him alert, so when he felt himself wake he immediately tried to understand the situation. He was on a bed. Only his mask still on though it somewhat still smelled of blood. No hostile beings in the room. One familiar chakra signature in another room. And most of his wounds were healed. Deeming it safe enough he relaxed. Wondering what happened to get him here on this soft bed. And why he was naked. He tried to stand huffing as if he ran a marathon. Making his way to a door. It led to a small hallway that opened to a living room. To his side was a kitchen where the other person stood cooking something.<p>

"You shouldn't be walking." The voice held no emotion. The man didn't even turn around. His long brown hair was all that faced him. "I will get you clothing today so that you can go to the hospital." Kakashi didn't like the idea of a hospital though he stayed quiet listening to the young man. "For a man that never shows his face I am quite amazed that you do not mind standing there with nothing on." Kakashi nodded but realized he was falling. His eye scrunched expecting to hit the floor only to land in the man's arms. He opened his eye and saw those milky orbs look back at him. Kakashi faked a smile. "Ma, just giving you a good show." the other man made no remark as he walked him to the couch. He went to the hallway and pulled out a white sheet from a closet. Covering the man's legs and his more privet parts. Kakashi made no response. He just stared out a window to look at a training ground he had never seen before.

The Hyuga's never let in outsiders in their compound much Hinata's friends were the only exceptions. The man came back with food. "I can close my eyes to feed you." He spoke as he pulled up his small wooden coffee table to sit in front of him. Kakashi nodded and watched as the man closed his eyes. He watched as the man brought his hands to Kakashi's face feeling up the fabric to its edges. And pulling it down. And watched how the man grabbed the small bowl and chopsticks. Lifting up a little bit of rice and bringing it to his lips. Kakashi welcomed the food but kept his eye on the man's closed ones. This continued slowly until Kakashi said he had enough the man put down the shiney white bowl and put his mask back in place. Finally opening his eyes again. "Get some rest. I will be back with some clothing ok?" Kakashi nodded and leaned back on the couch. He heard the man wash his dish and head out.

"So he is with you?" Neji nodded at his leader. She smiled handing him some clothing and a clean face mask that would fit the man. "Keep him with you until he is better. I fear he will not stay at a hospital. It's too crowded for him." he nodded again. "You can go now. Neji." He said his thanks and left. Walking back home wondering if that meant until Kakashi gets better he won't be on missions. Not that he cared for the moment. It was so close to Christmas that everyone seemed to be taking every mission avaibable to pay for gifts. The stores were filled with crazy gifts. And he noticed ladies walking around with their arms loaded.

He sighed as he entered the Hyuga compound. It was beautiful upon entering however the farther you went in towards the branch member section it became even more gloomy. And the few people out would at first glare and take on a defensive stance. Until they noticed who it was. Screams could be heard from the training ground. He looked at one lady who was staring in that direction.

"have you called lady Hinata out here yet?" he asked the lady. She sighed but nodded. "it's her little sister that told those boys to come into our section. I fear for my young sons. I just hope lady Hinata wins the title. Maybe then this family will see a better fate." He nodded. "Our fate is determined by our willingness to not give up." She smiled at him. He turned a little feeling his cousin walk up from behind him. "Yes, I must say Neji-nii Naruto's words are life changing are they not?" he stayed quiet as she walked towards the screams. "I must say this group enjoys my punishments. Perhaps it is almost time to rip my sister of what little power she is holding on so tightly to." She turned to Neji knowing he knew what she meant.

"Two sisters, one must take on the seal. And by our tradition it has to be her to represent the branch family." He nodded still emotionless. The lady spoke "your sister is claiming that she is more powerful then you my lady. Why do you not show her where her place is?" Hinata looked in Neji's eyes. "Her place is as my little sister. She fears that if she loses she will receive the seal. Honestly I believe I should take her to Naruto and have him knock some sense into her." Neji nodded. He knew Hinata could not even if her life depended on it hurt her little sister. But that little girl was stubborn.

"My lady, you are becoming a worthy leader every day. It is an honor to serve you." She shook her head. Walking once again to the screams in the training grounds. "No mam it is I that serves this family. Neji, you should visit some time. Naruto could use a distraction. He hasn't been on a mission since Kakashi-sensei left for a secret mission." Neji nodded but didn't mention that Kakashi was back. For fear of Naruto taking his patient and causing the man damage in his weakened state. "Yes my lady" she continued walking and he himself headed back to his apartment. After locking the door he heard the man standing behind him.

"Yo," Neji sighed turning to look at the naked man who greeted him. He reached in the bag and pulled out a plain white tee. Walking over to the man he hand to stand on his toes to put the shirt over his head and struggled putting the man's arms in. he crouched pulling out sweat pants and lifting one of the man's legs. Making the man almost lose his balance only to grab on to his shoulders.

"Maa, I am not a child." After Neji got the sweats on his hips he gave the man a look. "No, you are my patient." Kakashi gave him a stare. And faked another smile. "It is an honor to be in you care Hyuga-sama." Neji helped him back to the couch and handed him the new mask. "It is no honor seeing as I am only a branch member. And guessing by all the wonderful views you have you concluded as much." Kakashi just nodded.

"You should have been the head of this family." Neji shook his head. "I cannot serve this family as she can." Kakashi tilted his head staring at him as he was lost in his nostalgic thoughts. Kakashi faked another smile. "Ma I'm hungry. Can my sweet nurse make me something yummy?" Neji made no response to his leer. "Stir fry vegetables over steamed rice sound ok?" Kakashi nodded looking outside at the birds. Neji stood and left to the kitchen.

Kakashi couldn't explain it, but something about this young man kept him at ease. It was his gentle words that kept Kakashi from leaving. The fact that he didn't over react with the perverted comments Kakashi made, and yet made sure to let Kakashi know he heard him. It was how he would listen to his complaints and tried to make it better for him. Such small things like fluffing his pillow or closing his eyes when feeding him. In fact Kakashi liked that too much he didn't tell the man he could feed himself just fine. So on his third night with the man when he woke up from his many nightmares it was that young man who he wanted to run to. He peeked into the living room noticing the man sitting on the amazingly white couch staring out at the night sky. His pale milky white orbs staring at the stars and his lips in a gentle smile. He didn't turn to Kakashi as he spoke.

"Why are you up Kakashi?" Kakashi walked over to him unable to answer as he fell to his knees in front of the man. Neji stared at him and Kakashi smiled. For once it was a true smile as he laid his head on Neji's lap. No words were said after that. None could be said. Both men were stuck in the moment. The simple nothingness that it was. No fighting to stay alive, no waiting to die. Just a calming pause that both welcomed. Neji's fingers made their way to Kakashi's silver mess of hair and gently caressed his silver locks allowing him to relax, Kakashi hummed to the touch. He fell asleep there, with his head on Neji's lap. He felt fully and completely at peace. No nightmares came to him.

Neji had taken Kakashi to the bed but when he tried to leave Kakashi pulled him back on the bed. So he stayed with him. Thinking if there was anything he could do to keep the man away from his nightmares. So he thought back to everything he knew about the man. And realized just what the man needed. His porn books, Neji smiled. There was a time when Neji had helped that pervert sage from getting caught watching the female Hyuga's bathe in there privet hot springs. So with a mission of his own he was up early in the morning and knew just where to find the pervert at.

He woke on the young mans bed the next morning. And noticed the young man wasn't home. It frustrated him. Though he wasn't sure why. Why was it that he longed to see the young man so much? Why was he still here if he felt better already? What was the young man doing to him? He didn't like feeling so weak when it came to the brunette. So he sat in front of the door waiting for his familiar signature to walk up to the door. He waited there 2 whole hours.


	3. Chapter 3

i do not own.

i had it all done and then i decided it wasnt enough for my lovely sister. so im changing it up a bit. the break shows where the rape scene starts. no sister it is not in detailed. i didnt want to write that. it would have made me tear up.

please enjoy.

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><p>"You want an entire collection of my work?" Jiraiya stared at him shocked. "I would have never guessed you were a fan." Neji shook his head at the old man. "I am no fan. Kakashi-sensei is staying with me to recover from a mission. I thought he would like something to keep himself occupied till he heals." The old man stared at him contemplating. "And what's in it for me?" Neji stayed blank but spoke none the less. "I saved you countless times from dying at the Hyuga hot springs." Jiraiya scoffed. "I could have gotten out by myself." Neji activated his Byakugan and scanned the area. He smirked, "I can tell you right now where a group of ladies are bathing at." The old man smiled pulling out a scroll and handed it him "Ohhh! Here the collector's edition! Now tell me!" so Neji did and the man was off practically skipping. Neji put the scroll away and walked back home.<p>

On the way he couldn't help but to question why exactly he was giving the man porn books. Sure he thought it might help keep Kakashi occupied but really it did seem a bit too much. And what exactly did he get out of it? Kakashi was a pervert, always calling him a girl. And would always bring up the fact that he was a branch member. He ordered Neji around like some maid, and never once gave any thanks. Yet somehow he always seemed to show Neji respect.

He knew very little about Kakashi in all truth. The man was a legend, no one dared to act as an equal to him. They feared him, hell it would seem even his students didn't know much about him. And Neji couldn't help but wonder if Kakashi ever got lonely. Did he have anyone to call a friend? Neji stopped in the middle of the street. He looked up at the sky. Even he had friends. Close people he could connect to. And yet he always felt like something was keeping him from truly connecting to them. Is that how Kakashi feels? Never connecting to anyone? That in a way could explain his nightmares. If he had someone to talk to then he wouldn't be swallowed by his nightmares. The person could ease the load. Neji couldn't help but want to be that person. He wanted Kakashi to tell him all about him. He wanted Kakashi to need him. He sighed. Looking to the side taking notice that he stood in front of the market.

He remembered Kakashi seemed to like his dumplings and he was out of the ingredients. So he headed inside. Kakashi didn't seem like the kind of person who trusted people to be close to him. Neji decided that as he filled his shopping basket with various items he remembered hearing Kakashi make approving sounds to. The man liked anything that wasn't sweet really. Neji was glad for that. Sweets weren't his favorite either. As he paid for his items and walked out he realized that he really couldn't stop thinking about the man. He wondered briefly if Kakashi was awake yet. He had only been gone about an hour or so. Still, he felt the urge to want to see the man. Again he stopped in the middle of the street.

He smiled just a bit to himself. Kakashi should be more than proud of himself. To have calm and collected Neji Hyuga in such inner conflict. He turned his head and his eye caught something shiny in a window. He knew the shop very well. He visited it often to pick up special orders for Tenten. He walked up to the window staring at what caught his attention. A simple kunai set with a bird carved at the handles the pouch had the same bird image stitched on it in silver stitching. The pouch itself was black. He thought back to Kakashi and how he would always stare at the birds outside through the windows. It was only natural to want to get it for the man right? He convinced himself it was. So he walked in the shop and waved to the owner. "Neji! Here to pick up something for Tenten?" he shook his head and pointed to the kunai set. "Can I buy that?" the owner picked up the set and nodded taking it to the register. "Want me to gift wrap it?" Neji knew he must have thought it was for Tenten. He wondered should he give it to Kakashi as a gift? It was still a little more than a month before Christmas though. And for some reason he felt like he could not wait that long. Was it normal to receive a gift just because? Why not? "Yes please." So the man wrapped it in shiny silver wrapping paper and tied it with a satin white ribbon making a simple bow on top. Neji paid said his thanks and walked out eyeing the gift in his hand the entire way home.

When he felt the young man on the other side of the door he was ready to yell to scream. Only when he actually saw the man walk in he froze. Unable to even speak. Neji had a content and happy smile on his face. His arms were loaded with groceries and a present. "So you are awake. What would you like for lunch?" Kakashi stared at him. The urge to say 'you' at the tip of his tongue. "Dumplings ok?" Kakashi nodded finally able to stand and helped him with the groceries heading to the kitchen. After putting everything down Neji pulled out a scroll from his pocket and handed it to Kakashi. It only took him 2 seconds to figure out what it was.

"Ma! No way! How!" Kakashi was literally jumping up and down and Neji smiled at him. He froze with that smile again. It was breath taking. "I thought you were getting bored. And I don't know where you live. So I couldn't get you yours. But I did remember that the pervert owes me a few favors. Apparently Huyga's are more erotic." Kakashi stared at the man. He agreed Hyuga's are more erotic. As that thought passed his head he was sure something was wrong with him. Neji pointed at the vegetables on the counter and Kakashi put the scroll down and went to chopping. While Neji put everything else away. Leaving the present on the table. Kakashi guessed it was for Tenten. She was his team mate and it screamed lover's gift. And for some reason he felt sad. Why was that? Was the famous Hatake Kakashi copycat ninja jealous of some little girl that plays with a few weapons? For what? The attention of a man?

His blood ran cold. Why did the Hyuga matter so much? In his distraction his hand slipped and he cut his finger. He hissed and the Hyuga walked over to him. Neji grabbed his finger and watched the blood. Kakashi watched him. Than the man put the bleeding finger in his mouth. Sucking up the blood. It was then that Kakashi decided the man mattered because he wanted to take him. True Kakashi never thought of men. And true he felt like there was more to it. But his sensitive mind refused to think more of it. Just sex right? That's all it was. Forget the fact that Kakashi had never taken anyone. Hell truth be told he didn't even know how to masturbate. Sure he read porn and knew what to do, just not how to do it. Maybe that's why he stayed. That was all that kept him with the man. His dying need to take the Hyuga to bed and have his way with him. So when Neji pulled his finger out of his mouth Kakashi lifted the man and stormed to the bed room. He ignored that small voice in his head telling him to stop, and think this through. No, he wasn't one to think through such feelings. Maybe that's why all his team mates seem to die on him. Because he was no better than Sai really. He refused to understand what he felt. He just felt it. He refused to analyze his emotions. The emotions just fueled him. Perhaps he was insane. Maybe he should be locked up for mental instability. Yet, it seemed so much easier to hide inside him and put up a mask for the world. But this man, this Hyuga seemed to unmask him with just his eyes. Eyes that looked at him with fear, could he see just how unstable he was? Could he see how broken and dead the great Hatake Kakashi really was? Kakashi pushed away his thoughts. His mind was tearing him apart. He refused to let this become more than what it was. He wanted to take the Hyuga. That was all. There could not be more. He refused to think that there was more. No, all it is was lust. That was all.

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><p>"What a-are you doing?" he heard fear in his own voice. As Kakashi threw him on his bed. The look in Kakashi's visible scared him. It held no love, just an animalistic lust, and a crazed lust. And Neji was deadly afraid. Kakashi pulled off his shirt and ripped it. Taking a strand and wrapped it around Neji's eyes. Panic rose in him but he didn't fight back. For the fear of hurting Kakashi was greater than his fear of Kakashi hurting him. Something was wrong with the man. He just knew there was something wrong. As if Kakashi lost his mind and was trying desperately to keep the pieces together. Darkness surrounded him. As he felt Kakashi rip off his clothing. He felt rough calloused hands roam his skin. And warm lips kiss his neck. The touches frightened him. And knowing that Kakashi covered his eyes only served to prove to him that Kakashi was lost in a battle in his mind. Neji wanted to cry out, he knew he should. But the fear of destroying Kakashi's sanity stopped him. He bit his tongue from crying out his frustration. He felt Kakashi flip him over and screamed when he entered him. Surely it wasn't supposed to hurt this much. He felt warm liquid fill his mouth the bitter metallic taste made him feel sick. Kakashi pounding in him ripping him apart made him want to die. He dug his teeth deep in his arm. Trying desperately from yelling out in pain. For even when his entire body couldn't stand this abuse he knew Kakashi was enjoying it. Whatever demons were with the man earlier left him. He seemed lost in the lustful act. Neji was sure Kakashi pushed away everything in his mind and indulged himself in taking him. He was relieved that for the moment Kakashi's sanity wasn't at stake. No, the man was indeed enjoying himself. If the pleasure filled grunts and moans that left his mouth were any indication or the fact that his erection was incredibly rock hard. That alone kept Neji from crying. It was painful, and he wanted it to stop.<p>

Finally after blood filled his mouth again from him biting his arm and the feeling of blood leaking down his inner thighs did he yell, "Kakashi? P-please stop! You're hurting me! Please stop…" he was crying freely now. Unable to mask his pain, though Kakashi didn't stop, and it felt like he was stabbed. What made him think Kakashi even cared for him just because he seemed to put aside his demons for this act? What made him think he was important to the man? He wondered briefly if Kakashi did this often to forget his nightmares. Or could he be over analyzing this? What if Kakashi really was a pervert and only cared about getting a good fuck out of him? He couldn't help but cry in his confusion. It was painful, both physically and emotionally. He cried into the makeshift blindfold. It was now covered in his blood, he tried to stay focused. Tried not to faint from all his blood loss. Finally Kakashi groaned and filled him with more liquid. As he pulled out Neji felt himself shake. He felt dirty, and used. And for some reason he felt betrayed. Neji tried to breathe. He heard Kakashi gasp and he felt the disgust rise in him. He rose a little on shaking arms. Tilting to the side trying not to notice the wet feeling of his own puddle of blood staining his bed, he vomited at the edge of his bed guessing by the sound he knew it was on his wooden floor not his bed. Finally, he welcomed the darkness that already surrounded him.

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><p>Kakashi pulled out of the young man. His mind still cloudy from all the lust. He looked down and gasped. The lovely Hyuga lay in a puddle of blood. And Kakashi noticed the blood on his member and the blood mixed with semen leaking down the man's flawless thighs. When the man vomited and was falling Kakashi caught him. Taking notice the bite wound on the man's right arm and all the blood. This wasn't right. How did this happen? He thought back and his Sharingan made him remember the Hyuga's pleas to stop. He remembered the man beg him and his pain filled cries. And he continued anyways.<p>

What a monster he was indeed. He succeeded in holding together his sanity for the moment, but now he knew he would lose his control and it would shatter in a million pieces. His self-hate came back full force. This wasn't right. He looked at the Hyuga in his arms. This man never deserved this. All he did was save him. And he hurt him in return. He lifted the man and took him to the bathroom. Cleaning him thoroughly. There was nothing he could do about the wound in the man's lower region. But he wrapped up his arm. And laid him tummy down on the couch as he cleaned the bed and the vomit. Kakashi wanted to kill himself. It hurt so much to know he was the cause of the man's suffering. After remaking the bed making sure no blood was on it. Even using a jutsu to suck up every last drop did he lay the Hyuga down.

His heart wouldn't slow down. And both his eyes stung. He caressed the man's gentle palms. He felt sick and disgusted with himself. He cried, never did he intend to hurt the man. No, he just wanted to escape his internal pain. He stood unable to stand himself. And left the Hyuga's home. His heart tearing him apart for hurting the man that showed him nothing but kindness. The man who went out of his way to cook him his favorites and sleep on a couch while he took his bed, the same man who asked Jiraiya for his porn books just to keep him from being bored. The man that saved him from dying in his puddle of blood, and he paid the young man by putting him in his own puddle? He rushed home for fear of breaking down in the middle of the streets. After shutting the door he cried. Cried out his frustration and self-hate. His sanity was not worth hurting Neji. And yet he did. He should be killed for hurting the gentle man. No, death was too good of a punishment for him. He would rather let his insanity take over and kill him slowly. Yes, that was better.


	4. Chapter 4

i do not own.

the chapter after this one had me crying. i read a bit to my mother. she was amazed. (or was she just giving me a full head?) but for now enjoy this one.

hope you like sis.

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><p>Neji woke to pain in his arm mouth and butt. He was in bed. And it was clean. Plus his arm was wrapped. Still he stayed lying down. Unable to get up. He would have healed himself but it would be too dangerous in his unstable state of mind at the moment. He refused to think of the night before. Refused to think of anything as he looked out the window.<p>

Watching the birds fly away. How he wished he were like them. To be free of everything, free of the pain that filled his entire being. This wasn't the fate he wanted. Maybe he didn't try hard enough to reach Kakashi, or maybe he just wasn't good enough for the man. He shook his head. Thinking of the man only made him hurt more so he stopped, and forced himself to not think of anything.

First he should search for his cousin and ask her to heal him. Then he would work on the rest on his own. He knew she would not ask questions, she would respect his wishes to deal with this on his own. She was everything he wished he could be. She meant so much to him, he would never voice it but he knew she knew how important she was to him. Her and his team meant so much to him. Even if he never showed it. He would jump to their rescue whenever they needed him. Though they were strong now and don't need his help anymore. Just like Hinata. She was stronger now, and didn't need him to watch out for her.

So when he had Kakashi he felt needed. His own selfish reason to care for someone sure, but was that reason enough to be punished in such a way? Was it so wrong to want someone to care for? Was it so wrong for wanting someone to notice how much he could care? In the end was it better to stay masked for everyone? He shook his head again as he stood on shaky legs. The pain was unbearable. He walked out and headed to the main house member section of the compound. His steps uneven and his balance worse. He was almost there when his vision blurred.

He woke to a dull pain. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. "I healed you," he heard her unease as his eyes drifted to hers. She seemed to understand. So she didn't continue. As he stood she helped him steady himself.

"Thank you Hinata." She nodded as he made his way out. He didn't plan on upsetting her more so he left. His thoughts blank as he walked back to his apartment. He half expected Kakashi to be sitting there waiting for him and the memories came back. He fell to his knees and grasped the fabric over his heart. Tears ran down his face.

He couldn't lie to himself; it hurt him greatly to know that he was used. But what hurt even more was knowing he wasn't good enough for Kakashi. What hurt more was knowing that Kakashi didn't want to open up to him. No, he chose to use him and leave proving that there was nothing keeping him there. Neji wiped his tears and tried to keep himself busy with cleaning his apartment.

After everything was clean he eyed the scroll and gift. They stayed on his kitchen table. He couldn't move them. He really didn't want to move them really. So they stayed there. And he would just stare at them.

It was cold out, the birds weren't flying anymore. And snow covered the streets. Neji decided that he liked the snow. It was cold and unfeeling. Just like the man walking by himself out there. His silver hair seemed grayer in the falling snow as it melted in it. Neji could tell the man was headed to the mission's office again. Naruto noticed him staring out the window and followed his gaze. He jumped up and ran out. Neji sighed as he saw Naruto confront the man on leaving mission after mission. He saw Kakashi say something and continue walking. Soon Naruto entered looking shocked. Sakura asked him what happened and he stared blankly.

"I think Kakashi finally lost his mind. All I asked him was why he wouldn't stay in the village and spend some time with us, and his friends. And he said to me that he could care less for us. That we are a bother to him and that he didn't need friends." Everyone looked shocked. "No, that's not the worse, he told me that he was a shinobi he lived to kill and get killed. That nothing else mattered." He sat down looking like someone just told him Santa clause didn't exist. "It was the way he said it guys. 'Only in my way, kill get killed. No more no less.' It was like he wasn't even talking to me!" everyone gave him an apologetic smile. Sakura nodded. "I noticed when he went to the mission's office that his reports were neat, and his reports are never neat. That and he walk around without reading his books." Naruto sighed "let's not worry over him for now. That man is always a mystery to us."

Neji turned back to the window. So Kakashi's sanity finally left him? Neji couldn't help but to feel guilty. He heard the conversation turn to the Christmas party all the 'rookies' were planning. Sure they weren't rookies anymore but they were still called that. It didn't bother them.

"Neji!" he turned again to see Naruto give him a look. "Well? What sex toy are you going to get Iruka-sensei?" he didn't mean to remember. He didn't mean to feel sick at that word. And he defiantly didn't mean to vomit in lee's lap. "What the hell? Neji are you sick? You should have stayed home man." he heard Naruto he could feel lee help him up. He knew he was shacking. "S-sorry lee-kun." Lee shook his head. As he cleaned up the vomit. Tenten helped Neji stand. They knew something was wrong with him. But they were kind enough not to ask.

"Sorry guys, we will take him home. Please continue without us." Everyone else at the table nodded and they left. Both helped him walk. Tenten spoke first as they neared his apartment. "We know it has something to do with sex Neji. Every time that word comes up you get like this." He nodded. Lee sighed as he opened Neji's apartment door. "We won't ask you what happened. But just know we are here for you." They sat him down on his couch. He nodded again looking at the kitchen table. They fallowed his gaze and waited for him to explain.

"I was taking care of him. He was injured. And got him those as gifts. He was so happy. Then…" lee rubbed his back and he smiled softly. "I think he was confused, or maybe his demons took over. And it hurt, but it pushed his demons away and I knew it was that or have him go insane. But it hurt so much. I begged him to stop, but he didn't. When it was over he was gone. He cleaned everything up as if it never happened." Lee growled but stayed next to him. "This hurts you more because you care deeply for him. Right?" Tenten asked and Neji nodded. He laughed bitterly. "I think I've fallen in love with him." lee hugged him and he cried. He felt as if his friends lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. They stayed with him the entire day.

He spent his days on solo missions. Hardly staying in the village long enough to drop off his report and pick up a new mission. As he walked in the mission's room he noticed it was decorated in the holiday theme. Iruka eyed him as he handed him his report. The man gave him a look but he ignored it. "Kakashi-san, your reports are perfect. Something is wrong here." Kakashi didn't bother to answer him. "May I have another mission now?" Iruka sighed and shook his head. "You cannot. Today is Christmas Eve, have you forgotten?" Kakashi tilted his head. He knew everyone was watching, he knew they were worried about him. And yet he couldn't care. His sanity was gone, he lost himself in his black abyss.

"I fail to see the importance of this holiday." He heard the gasps and saw the anger in Iuka's eyes. Only the Hokage's voice stopped Iruka from shouting. "You will not go on any mission tonight Kakashi! You have a party to attend. Your students would be disappointed if you don't go." He turned to her. His silver eye blank. "I do not care. If you refuse to give me a mission then I am going home." She glared at him. "You are going to your student's party and that is final!" she stomped off and he walked out calmly. What difference did it make he didn't bother trying to figure it out. He stared blankly at nothing as he walked home.

He stared at his hands while he sat on his couch. Nothing in his mind, everything felt empty. Eventually a voice caught his attention. He looked up to see his cousin standing in front of him. "Well?" he gave her a fake smile as he stood grabbing his bag full of presents for everyone he knew. He stopped for a moment looking at his kitchen table. The scroll and silver gift still sat there.

He picked them up and placed them in his bag. After swinging it over his shoulder he walked to his cousin and they both left his apartment to head for the party. She never questioned him and for that he was grateful. He still felt the pain in his heart but he learned to ignore it. He knew everyone was worried for him, but he would calmly tell them he was fine and they would drop it.

As they walked in he felt someone watching him. He looked up and met that one silver eye. He felt his heart stop. He wanted to run, to hide. And yet he also felt like he wanted to run towards the silver haired man. Instead he looked away and walked towards his team mates. Tenten gave him an understanding look. She knew who it was. She saw the scroll and a face mask in his apartment she smiled as he walked over to her.

"Can you put these in his bag?" he knew she knew who he meant as he handed her the gift and the scroll. She nodded and left to put them in the sensei's bag. He himself began searching for bags and put their gifts in them. Only Iruka had his own tree. It was funny the amount of attention the man got. Still he placed his dolphin wrapped gift on top of the rest. He was sure it was the only real gift and not some sex toy. Out of curiosity he eyed his bag and smiled when he saw that it was decently filled. His name on the front of the bag. Sakura wanted to do a Santa sack theme. Everyone had their own sacks and after the feast they got to open everything they received. It was a good idea really. Gave the party an organized feeling. Leave it for the girl to want things organized. He made his way were his team mates sat.


	5. Chapter 5

i do not own.

this is my favorite chapter.

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><p>He watched as the Hyuga's walked in. he stared right into those milky orbs. And he saw both fear and longing in them. When the Hyuga broke the eye contact he sighed. There was no longing. He looked at the table marker 'the rookies sensei's!" all the teachers stared at each other and he stared down at the table. Sure they were missing a sensei but the added sensei made them all feel a bit jealous.<p>

Just below that in big bright letters that took all the attention was 'Iruka-sensei!' said teacher blushed "well! I did teach all of them first…" he fidgeted under their stares. Not only did he get all the attention on the table marker but they had to add another tree just for his presents. He was as everyone dubbed the most loved teacher of them all.

"I wonder how Genma will react to this…" Kurenai spoke in a taunting voice. Iruka blushed even more. And Gai added "Yosh! I heard he was banned from coming because of everyone in here threatening to kill him!" Iruka slammed his head on the table. In all truth Genma refused to go saying that those kids just loved to pick on him when all he did was be in love with their favorite sensei. Though Kakashi stayed quiet he didn't bother taunting the man.

"Kakashi is something bothering you?" he looked at Kurenai and gave her a blank stare. "How many have you killed? Do you keep count?" they all eyed him. Gai spoke up "hey now Kakashi, you shouldn't take so many assassination missions right after the other. It messes with your sanity." Kakashi turned to look at his students. His sanity? He wasn't sure if it was still there. "Sanity? What sanity?" the table grew quiet and he gave a fake smile.

"What a nice party." They all nodded at him afraid he finally lost it. When the food was served he just stared at it. Iruka turned to him. "Aren't you going to eat?" he shook his head. "Not his dumplings." Gai laughed. "Why not? Neji makes really good dumplings." He smiled at them and he knew they knew it was fake. Though they let him be, for they didn't want to question him. He knew he was scaring them and he couldn't care. After everyone ate and chatted for a while Sakura called for everyone to gather in the middle as presents were being opened.

She smiled as she stared at them all. "Seeing as Iruka-sensei has the most he doesn't have to open them now, I am sure most should be opened with Genma!" all the younger generation roared with laughter and Iruka fainted. "So we will skip him and move on to our senseis!" Kakashi watched as Sakura, Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke carried a huge bag over to him as the other teams carried their bags to their respective sensei.

Even Asuma's team had a bag which they took to Kurenai. Stuff for her baby named after his father. She started first and everyone gushed over the baby's stuff. Then Gai and everyone laughed as he cried about the youthfulness. When it was Kakashi's turn he opened the bag and his visible eye widened.

The scroll and that present were at the top of the pile. And it made his heart freeze. He couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Just stare at them. How? After what he did to him. Why would he show any kind of kindness? "Sensei! Open your presents already!" he was pulled back to reality.

The thin line of his sanity was breaking fast. No, this was too much. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve his kindness after what he did. He stood feeling the shattering pieces of his mind scatter into dust and float away from his reach. He couldn't think, his heart ached and his mind was lost now. Surely they would lock him up now. He walked away without looking at them without pulling out a single present. Sakura stood in front of him anger filled her eyes.

"What the hell sensei! You can't leave till you open each present!" he shook with his own anger wanting so much to strike her his heart told him to stop. His insanity told him to strike. Suddenly all the male members stood in front of her shielding her from his rage. "Why are you so angry?" she asked behind the three males. Everyone was watching. His voice wasn't his own. The crazed tone filled his ears. No, he was gone. Stuck to watch from a corner indulging in self-pity.

"Angry? Me? No. I want to kill you. That is all. Shinobi need not kindness, love kills. Love hurts, shinobi know nothing more than to kill and get killed. To hurt and get hurt. Are you still a child to think a party and a few gifts will wash away the blood on your hands? Can you stand in your own puddle of blood and keep your sanity? You know nothing of being a shinobi. You know nothing of true suffering. I can kill you without even blinking. And what will I feel? Nothing." He heard gasps. He felt people pull out kunai and yet he stayed staring at them. His students. He felt nothing, his insanity wouldn't let him. He pointed to the bag.

"I do not deserve such a luxury after all that I have taken. Do not force me to take what should not be mine. Sanity was not worth that. Hate me, kill me, and leave me in my puddle. But do not feed me your kindness as if I never hurt you. Do not forgive me of my sins. Why are you trying to save me?" he wasn't speaking to his team. They knew that. Everyone in the building knew he wasn't speaking to them. No one dared to move. It was then that they noticed the one person who didn't pull out a kunai. The same person who walked to Kakashi's bag pulling out a silver gift and a scroll. Neji walked in between Kakashi and his team. He stared in Kakashi's visible eye. He could see that the man lost his sanity completely.

"I try because you are also human. Even you the great Hatake Kakashi can break. And even you with your sanity gone deserve kindness and forgiveness. Do you think you could take my life and not feel anything? What you took left you crazy how would taking my life leave you then?" Kakashi shook his head staring at the young man. He didn't notice anyone else in the room. No one else existed for him. He felt tears fall from his eyes.

"Not you, never you. Do not force your kindness onto me." Neji stared at him lifting his gifts. He hesitated. "Why do you forgive me? Why do you not hate me?" Neji tilted his head. "Why are you so against my forgiveness?" Kakashi backed up. Fear filled his eye. He wanted to run. To hide from the one man that forced him to feel things he never thought he would feel.

"Stop, just stop! What is wrong with you? You call me crazy? Before you stands a killer, a shinobi capable of taking the lives of children and not so much as shedding a tear for them! Before you stands the monster that caused you pain and yet you wish to forgive me? You are the mad one! Why do you insist on trying to save me? Do you think that I could not kill you? You think I am in love with you? Do not think so greatly of yourself. You are but a child playing with a fire you cannot control!" Neji stared at him. He could see the hurt and yet Neji stayed.

"You do not mean what you are saying." Kakashi stepped forward grabbing the gifts and tossed them at a wall. "Stop! What part of I want nothing to do with you do you not understand! Leave me be! You make me sick with your kindness! You show weakness with your forgiveness!" Neji shook tears threatening to fall. "b-but, i-"Kakashi glared at him. "You love me?" Neji lowered his gaze. And Kakashi felt himself breaking. He didn't mean it. None of it. And yet he couldn't stop himself from saying it. "Then you really are the mad one here! What made you think I would ever return your feelings? I am a shinobi I will never waste my time with such attachments to life." He saw Neji shake and yet he couldn't move. His throat hurt from yelling.

"That is enough Kakashi. You did your damage, leave him alone. Leave at once." He turned his head to stare at Gai. The man looked rightfully angry. And he walked out. Feeling the angry stares. His chest ached. His world fell apart around him.

He walked over to the wall Kakashi had thrown his gifts at. His team walked up to him. Tears fell as he grabbed the fabric over his chest. Tenten picked up the now dented gift and the scroll. Lee wiped away his tears. Everyone else in the room stayed quiet. Neji sighed as he stood up. "I want to go home." His friends nodded as they helped him walk outside. No one tried to stop them.

Again they stayed with him the whole night. No one brought it up. Somehow it was understood that it was in the past now, and should be forgotten. The next day they actually enjoyed the visitors they got. Even Genma and Iruka showed up. To thank him for not giving them a sex toy.

To everyone he looked normal, as if not fazed by Kakashi's words. No one spoke of the man, in fact no one saw him much. He spent most of his time on high ranking missions. And not even the Hokage could stop him. Iruka gladly gave him missions if it meant keeping him away from Neji. Not that he even tried to see the man. Neji kept the gift and scroll on his kitchen table. No one could make him toss them out. And though he was always rather quiet his team started to worry over him. He devoted himself in hospital work. Hardly ever going on missions with them. Eventually it passed over and everyone chose to forget the incident.

Everyone but Neji himself, he ached for the man. He wanted so badly for the man to show up and say he was sorry that he didn't mean any of it. But it was a lost cause. He continued to work in the hospital hoping to heal the man if he ever came in. but he never did. And Neji realized just how pathetic he was becoming. Waiting for a man that obviously didn't want him. So he surrounded himself with his friends. Occupied himself with their every whim. Tried desperately to not think of the man. It worked well enough for him.


	6. Chapter 6

i do not own.

thank you for the reviews.

enjoy

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><p>It was who he was that allowed him to take missions. That he knew. Every time he was in the village the Hokage would try to force he to not take a mission and again he would remind her of who he was. And yet she refused to hand over any missions on this day. So his lone eye stared at her. "Just one day in the village is not going to kill you Hatake." He nodded and walked out. Why was he so afraid of staying in the village anyways? He was the great Hatake Kakashi, the man of a thousand jutsu's. He pulled out his book, and tried to act as if his nerves weren't on their ends. The village was preparing for the spring festival that night so no one paid him any attention. He was glad for that. His feet took him to the park. He jumped on a tree branch and watched his fellow shinobi decorate the area for the festival. He knew why he didn't want to be in the village. Somewhere in his broken mind he feared of causing more damage to a young brunette.<p>

Sanity wasn't something he bothered to question now days. No, he didn't bother questioning anything. Life was simpler that way. He would get a mission complete it report it and do that cycle all over again. It was perhaps all he could do. For even when he looked calm and collected inside his insanity was killing him. Memories of all his precious people that died on him plagued his mind constantly. But Neji was what kept him from taking his own life. For even death would not be enough of a punishment. It was also that same man that had him in a constant battle between sanity and insanity. If he were sane he would have apologized to the man, however he wasn't all that sane.

How he longed for the man. His insanity did nothing to stop the feelings he had for the young brunette. If anything his feelings fueled his insanity. For he could now admit that he was indeed in love with the man. And knowing he hurt the same person his heart longed to be with killed him just the same. He didn't deserve such a gentle man. Not after all that he did and said. Even knowing that the man wanted him just as much as he wanted the man was not enough to confront the young man. It was too much for him to deal with. The guilt, the pain, and the heart ache. All of it was what kept him insane.

He saw the man sit in the tree. And he wanted so much to run to the man and ease the pain he just knew the man had inside. However he knew if he noticed the man than so did everyone else and they would not allow him near the man. "Neji! Come on we need to finish here and get dressed." He nodded at his team mate. As they finished and left. He turned to see the man look after him. How he wanted to be with the man. But his words still stung his heart. The man made it clear that nothing would ever happen between them, and yet Neji wanted so much for there to be something. Still he turned and continued walking away from the man.

He eyed the kimono. His cousin knew he didn't want to wear it, but as a Hyuga clan member it was required. The silk ribbon was what really got to him though. He sighed, as he put on the kimono. His cousin helped him and tied the ribbon around his forehead. Making a bow on his right side. She held the loose ends and smiled to him. "You will take his breath away." Neji tilted his head. "The others will not be pleased to know what you are planning." She nodded. And laughed. "Yes, well I am tired of watching you suffer." He shook his head. The strands fell against his hair. And the bow gave him an innocent look. "He does not want me Hinata." She sighed as they headed out. The sky was a soft orange pink tint where the sun was setting. "Just talk to him." he nodded.

He eyed the festival. Wondering if it was ok to join. Then decided against it, no one would dare to get near him anyways. His students hated him now. Though he couldn't care less. There was a point in time were he would have died to protect them. Maybe he still would. He wasn't so sure what he would do nowadays. But remembering the past, always reminded him that his students never questioned him about anything in his life. Expect trying to look at his face they never bothered with knowing his birthday, they never asked him where he lived. They never bothered with knowing him. For them he was just there to teach them, to lead them and to help them with their lives. But when he was in need of help who did he have to turn to? The entire village saw him as a tool. Gave him the shoulder when he was breaking. Now that he was too far gone no one bothered to pull him out. No one but Neji of course. Kakashi jumped of the tree walking with no real destination in mind. His feet lead him to the memorial stone. The names of those he could not save were on that stone. "Obito? What would you do?" he knew what his friend would have done. He would have smacked Kakashi called him an idiot and dragged him to Neji.

He felt so alone standing there remembering the past. And the few people that bothered to pull him out of his depression of his self-hate and allowed him to piece together some bit of sanity. "Sensei? What advice would you give?" he chuckled to himself imagining his blond sensei stutter like an idiot blushing like there was no tomorrow and say "depression does not suit you Kakashi. Fuck your pain, to hell with what was done. Say you are sorry and make love to him already." Kakashi froze. Yes, that was without a doubt what his sensei would say. "My student would have told you that. I should know. I thought him everything I knew." Kakashi nodded to the old man behind him. "You know when he asked me for my books I could see that the kid was happy. Content, something I know would not normally be there. The kid has a gentle heart. And his internal suffering from that family keep him from showing how much he cares for those around him. With you however he seemed at ease in showing his care." Kakashi tilted his head as if trying to understand. "Everyone wants to feel needed. That kid is no different." Kakashi laughed. "Everyone who was able to pull me from my insanity, from my depression ended up on this stone. My sanity is not worth that." The older man smacked him. "Your sanity is not even worth the dirt beneath my feet. For once in your life stop thinking about yourself and your pitiful life. Open your eyes and look at the man you are destroying. At the child you are killing. For once get over yourself and show him that you know how to care. Show him that the great Hatake Kakashi is in fact human." Kakashi rubbed his head. "Why do you care?" the old man walked away saying over his shoulder. "I can't stand to see him in so much pain. That and when he's depressed he won't tell me where the ladies are bathing." Kakashi could hear the man's laughter fade the father he went.

Fine, he would go to the young man. It was only fair right? He knew he didn't deserve the young man, but what if Neji really was dying because of him? He didn't understand why the young man wanted to save him so much. Why did he fall in love with him of all people? Kakashi was sure the man knew nothing about him. So why did Neji love him? His heart pounded in his chest. Neji did love him right? He had to know, had to hear the man say it. Everything else didn't matter. He would give up his life if Neji didn't love him. Yes, that's what he would do. If Neji didn't love him there was no point in living. He stared blankly at the many names in the stone. There was nothing to live for anymore. Except Neji. Yes, for Neji he would do anything. He wanted to feel needed by the young man. He wanted Neji to know he was human. That wasn't such a bad thing right? He wasn't sure why Neji would need him, but he knew. Just knew that his heart would give out if Neji didn't want him.

He shook his head. Nothing made sense anymore. But the feelings were there. He knew he wanted Neji, he knew he loved the young brunette. And he could only hope the young man would accept him. If he did then Kakashi was curtain that everything would be ok. How he wasn't sure yet. But it would be right?


End file.
